so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
