you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
