Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize