took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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