she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize