Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize