Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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