There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
