If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
