The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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