You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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