i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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