My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
