somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
