if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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