Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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