Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
