Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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