If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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