Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
