Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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