last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
