Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
