nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
