the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
