Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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