ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
