and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
