Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
