if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
