i just google imaged poop.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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