I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
