Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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