I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish I only lived at night.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
