atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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