im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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