I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize