Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
