I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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