you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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