if you like me you must not know who I am
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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