Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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