I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
