i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
