May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
