sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
even my farts smell like vagina
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
