Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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