mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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