he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
