No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
