Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
