You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize