im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
