I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
