I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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