So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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